Nutloaf!

336 words written by dylan
Posted March 30, 2005 @ 11:41 PM
2 comments

I had lunch in the hospital cafeteria today; it was meatloaf day. The hospital's meatloaf is OK, not great, but edible.

But there was something else on the menu that was far more sinister.

Zesty Vegetarian Nutloaf.

Apparently, the geniuses in the hospital food services department came up with this one. How do I describe it? Imagine a nut bread, only satanic. It looked wrong, like an abomination. Sadly, I didn't think to bring my camera to lunch (honestly, I never bring my camera to lunch). I tried looking for a recipe for it on Google and came up empty, so this may be unique in human culinary history.

There's this long-standing trend in vegetarian cuisine to make meatless versions of meat-filled favorites that are, to channel Monty Python, "more like meat than meat." Tofukey is one example, a flavorless mass of protein that is supposed to remind one of turkey, only it doesn't look, feel, or taste like bird meat. I don't get it at all. Is it supposed to make vegetarians feel like they're not excluded from the pleasures of turkey? Because it's not pleasurable, and it's a horrible imitation of a bird. I think the food services people were trying to make non-carnivores feel included, but it seems more insulting than inclusive.

And what's up with "zesty?" They toss that word in front of foods that have no flavor to make people feel better about eating it. But, you know, dumping a bottle of Tabasco on a piece of stryofoam and calling it "zesty" doesn't suddenly make it edible.

"Zesty" is just a euphemism for "flavorless." Or "bad." Or "trust us, you'll regret ever being involved with it."

Guy #1: Where did you go last week?
Guy #2: I was in a Mexican prison. Got picked up for hiring a prostitute.
Guy #1: Oh. How was jail?
Guy #2: ZESTY!

Sadly, the hospital will probably never offer nutloaf ever again. I wish they did, so I can get a picture of the abomination.

Comments

  1. You sorry ass individual - you eat at a hospital for lunch when you're surrounded by hundreds of great UW eateries - no wonder you're depressed. :) By the way - there is absolutely nothing that isn't on the internet:
    http://www.vegparadise.com/cookingwith31.html

    Posted by: ben | April 1, 2005 01:10 PM

  2. Ben, of-course, was kidding when He called you sorry-assed. It is sort of amusing to say that you eat "hospital food" by choice. :)

    Posted by: Kat | April 1, 2005 01:22 PM